To live as thus

I've grown up with my identity being 95% based on my religion. A religion, as it would seem, that has become a ginormous mystery to me. I've grown up incredibly confused, religon-wise. Honestly, my religion followed that of my parents...and whatever stakes they put down as to 'WHAT' we were. This I embraced wholly because of the way in which I was raised--this came first. The ministry comes first. And while those larger ideas were all great, I eventually lost passion for it because IT WASN'T MINE. And I knew this all along.

I lost a passion for it when I was old enough to start really applying it to life---and what would life be like without tragedy, ey? This 'religion' I was affiliated with and moi slammed into a brick wall in high school --with the appropriate mini-tragedies that follow suit.

When I could NO LONGER apply what had been a part of my life to such situations, I fell into a proverbial pit of despair. People closest to me were suffering, and I had lost all words of comfort--because what I WAS could no longer be applied. My 'talents' were useless. In their last leg of trying to appear 'normal,' their true selves were unmasked. 17 years. In their truth, my lack of sincerity in belief was revealed for all to see.

However, I haven't been stripped clean of such beliefs--pieces remain that I truly hold onto--whether for the sake of tradition (as I know it), or because I see genuine truth in what they are. Its as if I dreamed of mountains upon mountains of treasure...and have awoken with a single gold coin in my hand.

All of this haunts me...